Ah yes, it’s that time again. When the gentle breeze carries the scent of burning flip flop rubber along the promenade and all down the high street wafts the beautiful aroma of pleather footwear from Pennys or Primark as it melts gently into the footpath.

Tangerine tans are de rigeur, something akin to the flattering complexion of a giraffe. Ditch the bottle! What you need is lashings of Baby Oil & Tin foil – now that’s how you get a tan!  After a day on the foil, the soothing caress of Aloe Vera (Duckworth) will be second only to the gentle caress of Scrumpy Jack on ice as it careers down your throat faster than German tourists heading for the beach at sunrise.

Bikini Clad bottoms resembling a tissue lost on the Giants Causeway are replacing the surf board carrying rippling chested wet suit bunch that took possession of the beach for the past 10 months.

You need to get your beauty regime in order … yes; there are reports of never before experienced heat waves about to hit our shores. This is the noughties ladies, with careful planning; you CAN get the perfect TAN, and without a giant melanoma to boot! I’ve been there and its no fun, in fact 48,000 people die annually from Melanoma.

I have taken it upon myself to test out some fakers & related products to save you all the bother. So for all of you nay sayers who think that fake tan is for teenagers think again! I personally feel I look a whole lot healthier when my freckles have been enhanced by an even coat of bronze.

It doesn’t have to be deep orange or mahogany,  just enough to tone down those milk bottle pins and change them from that translucent freshly plucked turkey look to a respectable soft ‘hint of summer’ – tres classy !

Ok, lets apply a little logic here.. You know in your heart and soul that no matter how good the tan is there is NO substitute for a good old fashioned scrub down! Chuck those brillo pads into the bin, and check out this award winning

Salt Scrub from the Sanctuary range. Or , given the shortage of cash out there, you could try to make your own, have a look at this Salt Scrub recipe is it stretching it a bit to say  that these can double up as home made gifts too?

So, now that you’re well scrubbed and buffed, you need to lash on some good moisturising body lotion. No need to spend an arm and a leg on this (you’d have nothing left to bronze…) there are some really good moisturisers available, the likes of Elave  is good, it’s “hypo allergic and free from worrying chemicals”. Nivea is always a good option too and they have such a wide range. Cara Pharmacy have some & well priced too!

Your next decision is whether to opt for a gradually developing tanner or one that has you looking like Snookie from the Jersey Shore after one application! (Sorry Snooks, its just a little Guidette for this side of the Atlantic.)

Another good alternative is the multiple award winning TanOrganicsand as the name suggests genius, yes this product is Organic! The smell may be a little stronger than St Tropez but as they go its relatively mild. According to TanOrganics up to 60% of substance applied to our skin is absorbed and enters our bloodstream!  If you are a frequent self tanner this may be a strong sway factor in this products favour.  This tanner has a consistency like water and it colours immediately so a little extra caution with the bottle is necessary.  Note in this instance also that less is more –  I found this product a little dark for me but only because I was rather heavy handed. (I am of the “double the amount it say’s on the instructions ‘school) The bottle states that you should apply liberally – don’t! You can always apply more if you feel the need.

Sunshimmer by Rimmel has been on the market for as long as I can remember and it stillremains a favourite. The liquid version is very easy to apply with a mitt and the consistency and colour allow for corrective action where necessary. This has to be a top pick. It’s also very well priced.

I discovered Sally hansen Airbrush Legs several years ago on a trip to the US and was delighted when it became widely available a few years ago. It goes on easily with a light spray and does require some rubbing. Please be careful where you use it though as it coats everything around it. I would advise using this in the shower or bath – but not with the water running!

Regular moisturising between applications helps to prolong the effect, but don’t try to make it last all summer by constant topping up! This will just create an ugly layer of muck on your skin.  Have a good old scrub between applications. I use scrubbing mitts which you can get anywhere for a couple of quid! (Top tip – buy a spare pair and wear them for washing vegetables they work like a dream on new potatoes).

No go forth and bronze, and pour yourself into those hot pants. Slip on your flamin flip flops and flash your flippin pins all over town…